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Beast Medic From Hell

 Complaint                       Signs & Symptoms                         Treatment

 
APPENDICITIS   Pain in right lower abdomen. Nausea, possible vomiting and fever.   Who cares? It's a vestigial organ anyway. Give him an aspirin.
BURNS and SCALDS   Redness, mild swelling, and pain. Blisters may develop.   Peel away dead skin. Rub vigorously to encourage good circulation.
CONVULSION   Strong, jerking movements; stiff body. Difficulty breathing. Bluish face. Eyes rolled back, gritting of teeth, frothy mouth.   Sit on victim. Laugh at him until he gets embarrassed and stops.
CROUP   Noisy, difficult breathing. Hoarse, barking cough.   Stuff a sock in victim's mouth.
CUTS and BRUISES   Cuts bleed & hurt. Bruises get red, swollen, & hurt.   Call victim a sissy & send him back out to play.
DOG BITE   Redness, swelling & bleeding if skin is broken. Fear of dog.   Scold victim. Shoot dog.
DROWNING   Unconscious, pale or blue skin.   Talk about what a great guy he was.
EARACHE   Pain. Possible dizziness or discharge from ear. Possible fever.   Listen to one hour of Motley Crue. THEN you'll know what an earache is.
FAINTING   Pale, clammy skin, dizziness, shallow breathing, sweating & temporary unconsciousness.   Before victim revives, take his wallet & clothes & put him on a bus to Toledo.
FEVER   Body temperature over 98.6 degrees F (37 C). Hot forehead.   Administer 4 oz. of 'Old Jayhawk' (cheap whiskey) every 2 hours.
FROSTBITE   Skin flushed, then changing to white or grayish-yellow. Blister may appear. Cold & numb. Pain.   Submerge in boiling water.
HEAT EXHAUSTION   High temperature. Pale & clammy skin, or hot & flushed skin. Headache & weakness. Possible nausea.   Lock up victim in walk-in freezer for 1-2 hours.
INSECT BITES and STINGS   Pain & redness at the site of the sting or bite. Possible allergic reactions such as shock or difficulty breathing.   Capture insect & mash into paste. Dissolve in one cup of milk & have victim drink.
NOSEBLEED   Profuse bleeding from the nose.   Apply tourniquet to victim's neck.
POISONING   Symptoms vary. Throat or stomach pains. Mouth burns. Vomiting. Drowsiness.   Give 1 tbsp lye in ammonia solution to flush system.
SHOCK   Victim pale & weak. Clammy skin, perspiration on upper lip & forehead.   Grasp victim firmly by the shoulders & shake, shouting, "Snap out of it!"
STROKE   Unconscious. Heavy breathing. Apparent weakness in face or limbs on one side if body. Inability to speak.   Kiss patient good-bye. It's all over.
SUNBURN   Redness, mild swelling, & pain. Possible blisters.   Remove reddened skin with sandpaper. Soak affected area in alcohol.
SWALLOWING FOREIGN BODIES   Dangerous when in air passages. Violent coughing & choking. Bluish facial discoloration. Breathing my stop.   Shout, "Hey, dummy, spit that out! What'sa matter with you!?!"
TOOTHACHE   Pain. Tooth is sensitive to hot & cold food & fluids.   Alternate administration of hot coffee and ice cream.

 

 

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