You Might Be In EMS If...

You believe that 90% of people are a poor excuse for protoplasm...

Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you...

You believe a good tape job will fix anything...

You have the bladder capacity of five people...

You can identify the positive teeth to tattoo ratio...

Your idea of a good time is a full arrest at shift change...

You find humor in other people's stupidity...

You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac...

You disbelieve 90% of what you are told and 75% of what you see...

You have your weekends off planned for a year in advance...

You automatically assume the patient is a drug seeker when presented with the complaint of migraine, lower back pain, chronic myalgia (choose one of the above), a list of numerous allergies to meds (except Demerol), and the statement that the family doctor is from out of town...

Your idea of comforting a child includes placing them in a papoose restraint...

You encourage an obnoxious patient to sign out AMA so you don't have to deal with them any longer...

You believe that "shallow gene pool" should be a recognized diagnosis...

You have discovered a new condition that you call "hypo-xanax-emia"...

You believe that the government should require a permit to reproduce...

You debate which is worse, spaghetti and meatballs or pizza and beer, while performing gastric lavage...

You plan your dinner break while lavaging an overdose patient...

You believe that "ask-a-nurse" is an evil plot thought up by Satan...

You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if the phrase "wow, it's really quiet" is uttered...

You threaten to strangle anyone who even starts to say the "q" word when the ER is even remotely calm...

You refer to Friday as NH Dump Day and you don't mean New Hampshire...

Your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than most computers...

You believe chocolate is a food group...

You take it as a compliment when someone calls you dirty name...

You say to yourself "great veins" when looking at complete strangers ...

You have ever referred to someone's death as a transfer to the eternal care unit...

You don't think a referral to Dr. Kevorkian is inappropriate...

You have ever referred to someone's death as a celestial transfer...

You have ever answered a "lost condom" phone call...

You refer to someone in severe respiratory distress as a "smurf"...

Your idea of a good time is dueling shock rooms...

You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide...Doing It Right"...

You feel that most suicide attempts should be given a free subscription to "Guns and Ammo" magazine...

You believe that "too stupid to live" should be a diagnosis...

You have ever had to leave a patient's room before you begin to laugh uncontrollably...

You have ever wanted to reply "yes" when someone calls and asks "Is my (husband, wife, mother, brother, friend, etc.) there?"...

You have ever issued a "dead head" alert...

You have ever referred to the E.R. Doc or triage nurse as a "shit magnet"...

Your favorite hallucinogenic is exhaustion...

You think that caffeine should be available in I.V. form...

You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience...

Your most common assessment question is "what changed tonight to make it an emergency after 6 (hours, days, weeks, months, years)?"...

You have witnessed the charge nurse muttering down the hallway "who's in charge of this mess anyway?"...

You refer to vegetables and are not talking about a food group...

You have ever used the phrase "health care reform" to instill fear into your co-workers' hearts...

You believe the waiting room should be equipped with a valium fountain...

You play poker by betting ectopics on EKG strips...

You believe a "supreme being consult" is your patients only hope...

You want lab to order a "dumb shit profile"...

You are totally astounded when someone from a NH is understandable...

You have been exposed to so many x-rays that you consider radiation a form of birth control...

You believe your patient is demonically possessed...

You have ever had a patient look you straight in the eye and say "I have no idea how that got stuck in there"...

You believe that waiting room time should be proportional to length of time from symptom onset ("you've had the pain for three weeks...well have a seat in the waiting room and we'll get to you in three days")...

You know the phone number to the local Detox Center by heart...

You have ever had a patient say, "but I'm not pregnant; I can't be pregnant; How can I be having a baby"...

You have ever had a patient control his seizures when offered some food...

You carry your own set of keys to the "leathers"...

Your idea of gambling is an ETOH level pool instead of a football pool...

Your bladder expands to the same size as a Winnebago's water tank...

Your feet are slightly flatter and tougher than Fred Flintstone's...

Your immune system is so well developed that it has been known to attack squirrels in the backyard...

You get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf your food even in the nicest restaurants...

Your idea of fine dining is anywhere you can sit down to eat...

You have a special shrine in your home to the inventor of Haldol...

Your idea of an x-ray prep is a second dose of Haldol...

Your idea of a CT prep includes Norcuron and a vent...

You have recurring nightmares about being knocked to the floor and run over by a portable x-ray machine...

Your nursing shoes have been seized and quarantined by either the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta, OSHA, the EPA, or the Nuclear Regulatory Commission...

You're able to tell the difference between a medical order and the ground around a poultry farm...

You've been chipping away at your BSN for longer than most people take for a doctorate...

Your idea of thawing the holiday turkey consists of an IV and warmed saline. .. (and if the holiday turkey you usually see has arms instead of wings and is sauced instead of basted)...

You have every referred to subcutaneous air as "Rice Krispies"...

You have thought OD instead of BBQ when asked to get the Charcoal...

You believe that a large part of your daily calorie requirement is provided by Tylenol, Advil, or Excedrin...

When checking the level of orientation of patient, you aren't sure of the correct answer...

You always try to schedule days off around phases of the moon...

You think that Prom tickets should have coupons good for one free gastric lavage (especially whenever presented in conjunction with treatment for motor vehicle trauma)...

Your alcoholically challenged patients know you by your first name, and can point to "their room"...

If the hems in your scrub pants are held in with either 3-0 chromic or steristrips...

You've struggled to come up with reimbursable discharge diagnoses such as: acute ambulatory dysfunction, impending asthma attack, constipation (or diarrhea) - resolved, or foreign body in (Fill in the blank) by history...

You've ever hung a "banana bag", "yellow jello", or a "rally pack" for an etohlic...

You've muttered "AMF YoYo" when an obnoxious patient finally leaves AMA (adios my friend - and there is an X rated version to the MF -, but you're on you're own for that one)...

You believe things would go much quicker if everyone would just get a head CT, Roc and Doxy, narcan, D50, ativan, and a loading dose of dilantin at the ED entrance...

You associate possible house paint colors with body secretions or functions such as: Bile yellow, venous blue, arterial red, puffer pink, mottled blue, hemocult brown, frothy sputum (also known as P. E.) pink, MRSA beige, etc...

You believe that the sight of a full moon can ruin a perfectly good day...

You find yourself avoiding an unhealthy looking "COPD"er in the grocery store in fear that he'll drop near you and you will have to do CPR on your day off...

Your family members have to have a fever of at least 105 or be missing a limb with active bleeding in order to receive your sympathy...

You've ever pretended to sneeze and at the same time thrown KY jelly on a fellow coworker's sleeve in order to make them think that they got shot with a HOCKER...

You've ever held a 14 gauge needle over someone's vein and said "now there's going to be a little poke"...

You are the only one at the dinner table NOT allowed to talk about your day at work...

You've ever sworn that you were going to have "NO CODE" tatooed on you chest (or if you already have it tattooed)...

You have ever tried to hang a "Closed" sign on the ER doors after 0200...

You have ever wanted to print your Discharge Instructions in Comic Book form ...

You recognize the Primary Care Physician for your patients as Dr. Knownee (often spelled None)...

You have served plenty of GI Cocktails but have never been a bartender...

Your idea of a "Shamrock Shake" has Donnatol and Mylanta in it and doesn't come from McDonalds...

You have ever considered "White Castles" at 0300 as an appropriate and well balanced meal...

You automatically request a BAC on any MVA after midnight...

You've ever had to restrain a parent (or significant other) so you could do your job...

Your motto is "if its wet, sticky, and not yours, don't mess with it!"...

You have ever had to remind yourself that you can't cure stupidity...

You automatically multiply by three the answer to the question "how many drinks did you have today?"...

You get very, very scared when a child is "too" quiet...

You are convinced that the amount of complaining by a patient is inversely proportional to how sick they are...

You prefer "Code Blue" to "Code Brown"...

You circle the dates of full moons in red on the calendar...

You believe that there are some things that only a good autopsy can cure...

You think discussing dismemberment while eating chicken wings and drumsticks is normal dinner conversation...

You intentionally ignore obnoxious patients so they will sign out AMA...

You automatically assume that everyone that lists Toradol as an allergy is lying...

You have ever wanted to order a serum porcelain level on all patients that are a crock (or if you have ever asked an intern to order it!) ...

Your favorite drug for combative patients Vitamin H (Haldol)...

You assume every female between 6 and 106 is pregnant until proven otherwise...

You ever wanted to present the "poor-acting" award to a patient...

You feel you look at the world through a proctoscope...

You've ever offered your co-worker money to assist with a pelvic exam because you of what you can smell with the pt. fully dressed...

You routinely draw a "rainbow" of blood tubes just in case the doctor /resident/intern/student should change his/her mind and order more tests 3 hours later...

You have ever placed a bet on the glucose level of an unresponsive patient (winner is closest without going over)...

You have never been a bartender but know the ingredients to a "Coma Cocktail"...

You know the phone number of the coroner's office by heart... (extra points awarded if you can identify them by voice or badge number)...

You plan your summer vacation by the location and reputation of the Trauma Centers...

Your definition of giving TLC in an ER is "Tube, Lavage, and Charcoal"...

You can identify a positive "Samsonite Sign" and diagnosis "Samsonitis" when the patient shows up in triage with their suitcase in hand (differential diagnosis = not pregnant)...

You firmly believe that by the time the patient needs the bedpan, they've been here too long...

You have ever wanted to post a sign in triage saying, "If you are grouchy, irritable or just plain mean, there will be a $10 surcharge for putting up with you"...

You know the therapeutic advantages of a foley for an unruly patient...

You think "Weed and Feed" refers to IV antibiotics and a G-Tube...

You have ever considered eating chocolate pudding off of a "chux" just to gross out your colleagues...

Your career highlights include having witnessed the results of 6 or more immaculate conceptions...

You can identify the difference between the PID shuffle and the thorazine shuffle...

You have ever treated one of the following diagnoses: High velocity lead therapy (AKA acute lead poisoning); asphalt or cement poisoning; or deceleration trauma...

Your idea of improved parking lot security includes a "NO FEAR!" window decal...

The last time you saw "management" was in a book...

You include the psych referral people among your best friends...

You have ever included a nasopharyngeal airway as part of your evaluation of a patient's "unresponsiveness"...

You know the RDA for Vitamin H...

You look at a chest film and think "Acute Lasix Deficiency Syndrome..."

You know the real "chief complaint" of any child under 5 years of age brought to the ER by the mother after midnight is "mama can't get any sleep"...

You think that the primary diagnosis of most NH patients is TMB (too many birthdays)...

You're fairly sure that the biggest problem with a child brought to the ER for the third time in 24 hours for a problem that was treated appropriately on the first visit is DPS (dumb parent syndrome) or NPS (new parent syndrome)...

You have ever thought about forgetting the K-Y when putting a foley in a drunk (especially the drunk driver!)...

You can go and sip your coffee while your patient screams in pain from his kidney stones...

You can compliment a co-worker on his/her attire while doing CPR...

You can finish a 7 course dinner before anyone else has touched their salad...

The first thing you notice about a new acquaintance is the condition of their veins...

You have a pet name for your cardiac monitor...

Your idea of a great dinner is one that's warm...

You know the patients Medical History better than they do...(Thanks Marty)

You have ever been afraid to ask the parent of a child with a fever "Did you give your child any Tylenol?"...

You have ever been afraid to ask the teenage mother to be, "Have you had any prenatal care?"...

You have had a patient start off by telling you what happened at the last three ERs that they went to...

You have heard patients referring to an ambulance as "my ride"...

You have ever been told that a stuffy nose at 0300 is an emergency...

You have ever asked, "Why are you here at 3 a.m. if you've  been sick four years?"...

You automatically multiply by two the answer to "How many cigarettes do you smoke per day?"...

You have ever eaten chocolate pudding out of a stool specimen cup, just for laughs...

You have ever wished for a "Dial-a-Dose" Haldol/Ativan tranquilizer gun, and Marlin Perkins to assist you, when sent into the psych room...

You have ever had a patient fail the positive foley test for comas...

You have ever had a patient return to "responsiveness" when the inside of their nose is tickled with a cotton swab...

You know most/all the drunks in town and their case histories...

You can finish a 7 course dinner before anyone else has touched their salad...

You answer the phone "ER" even when you are at home...

You have a pet name for your cardiac monitor...

Your idea of a great dinner is one that's warm...

You know the patient's Medical History better than they do...

You know that all the winos in town give the ER Doc's name when asked who their doctor is...

You know that as long as stupidity remains epidemic, you have job security...

You realize that the biggest difficulty with your job is that, on a daily basis, you attempt to reverse the process of natural selection...

You refer to your patient as a "practicing professional alcoholic (PPA) who has devoted his life to the support of the cheap wine industry and the training of health care professionals"...

You know that swear words don't bother your ego; the real insult is someone referring to anyone by the wrong job title ("that nurse there." "She's the secretary, doofus")...

You've ever encouraged a physician to "just treat 'em and street 'em"...

You can drink a cup of coffee and go straight to bed...

You can define the word "GOMER"...

You've ever discovered that one of your patients is armed by noticing the pistol-shaped opacity on his pelvis X-ray...

You never (willingly) take a patient's shoes off, no matter what...

You refer to the Mega-code portion of ACLS as "the fun part"...

Your greatest fear in life involves a pregnant woman shouting "IT'S COMING"...

You don't worry about treating the gunshot wound patient half as much as you do about having to deal with the family (and "visitors")...

You've only ever considered using one nursing diagnosis and that is "Ineffective Individual Coping"...

You've ever heard someone begin a conversation with "I got this thing stuck in my butt and I can't get it out."...

You realize that effective use of Tylenol, Benadryl and condoms would cut down your work load by 70-80%...

You've ever argued to a drunk that he can't "just walk out" because his leg is broken...

You're on a first-name-basis with all the local street people/bums/homeless...

You wonder what the big deal is when someone has a seizure...

Your friends and family refuse to watch TV with you if there's a remote possibility that the show will contain any scenes of a hospital (known as the "they're not doing it right" syndrome)...

You've ever had an adult look you in the face and say "I can't swallow pills"...

You think it's a compliment when even the Police Officers remark that you're crude, crass, and cynical...

You calculate dopamine dosages in your head, but can't seem to balance your checkbook...

Your social skills seem a little lacking, since most of your amusing anecdotes revolve around blood and vomit...

You've ever said (to anyone) "so, did you find the fingers?"...

You tend to refer to over half of your patients as "Frequent Flyers", "The Gun & Knife Club" and "LOL's"...

You see kids who are brought in "to be checked"...

You have worked a "fast track" that does more checking out than the express lanes at the supermarket...

You can identify the "P.I.D. shuffle" at a distance of 15 feet and the "Kidney Stone squirm" at 20...

You've ever had to contend with someone who thinks constipation for 4 hours is a medical emergency...

You've ever entered a patient's chief complaint as "I'm drunk"...

You refer to motorcyclists as "organ donors"...

You've ever had a patient with a nose-ring tell you "I'm afraid of shots"...

You stare at someone in utter disbelief when he or she actually covers his or her mouth when coughing...

You've ever thought "as long as he's got a pulse, I won't worry about that rhythm."...

You've ever referred to a body bag as a "To Go" bag...

You've identified the ULTIMATE Cruel Practical Joke (get someone drunk, then take them to the ER and announce that they've overdosed on "some kind of pills" just prior to arrival)...

You think of chocolate, coffee, Coca-Cola and the cafeteria's frozen yogurt when anyone mentions the 4 food groups...

You've ever heard the radio report from the ambulance and put the morgue bag on the cart before the patient arrives...

You think that the announcement of an impending arrival in 5 minutes of two adults in a serious MVA on back boards with sirens on and anxiety a level 10 would be a great opportunity to eat lunch... (and you know that this is more time than you usually get)... 

You have ever heard triage nurse first ask, "Is it urgent?" when interrupted from the first break in hours... 

You have four categories of patients...urgent, emergent, non-emergent, and S.I.O. (sleeping it off)...

You automatically multiply by 3 the number of drinks they claim to have daily...

You feel that you can diagnose passersby at the mall based on physical presentation...

You don't have to ask "frequent flyers" any medical history questions because you can fill it out from memory...

You can keep a straight face as the patient responds "Just two beers"...

You give the local drunks tips on where to sleep so they (and you) won't be disturbed by a return visit...

Less than 70 % - Civilian that has watched E.R. a few times. (or Medical Student)

70% - 80% - Ho-Hum, maybe a Med-Surg nurse. (or Intern)

80% - 90% - True E.R. range but lacking "in Depth" experience. (or First year Resident)

Over 90% - What are you doing reading this? Get back to work!!!

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